MrM27 wrote: » 85kurtz wrote: » And what's your definition of healthy?
85kurtz wrote: »
APeacefulWarrior wrote: » I'm sensing the overall feeling is put up and shut up until the EMT's come to pick one of us up. (I know there are a couple people who have a better understanding of why I'm so upset - I realize that doesn't represent you) So essentially, if you witnessed your spouse or significant other downing a bottle of poison, you'd just sit back ( or join them) and say "hey, he (or she) is an adult and if they want to finish off that poison, well then, that's their right."? That doesn't seem very loving, concerned or compassionate, but maybe that's where we are as a society... accepting and then sticking your head in the sand to ignore seems to be the expectation. Not sure I can be on board with that, but I think that's what he expects of me too.
charlieandcarol wrote: » I guess the thing is that when you have a condition such as Type II diabetes you may well have the right to eat whatever you want because its your body but what about when you go blind or lose your limbs or the numerous other illness that do happen, do you also then have the right to expect others (ie your wife and family) to look after you. And you may well say that they don't have to look after them but the reality is that this IS what happens. With rights comes responsibilities which is what lots of people forget when they espouse such things.
elphie754 wrote: » Even if you end up calling 911 (whether it be for yourself or someone else) the person may not change. As a medic I see it all the time. People utterly destroy their lives because of illness progression that may have been preventable. Just tonight I picked up one of our "frequent flyers" who has a whole host of medical problems. They are also 400+ lbs. The simple fact is until they want to change, there is nothing that anyone can say or do to change them. Is it a sad situation? Sure it is, but they made those choices, not me. I am sorry if that seems harsh but I choose not make other people's life choices my problem.
85kurtz wrote: » elphie754 wrote: » Even if you end up calling 911 (whether it be for yourself or someone else) the person may not change. As a medic I see it all the time. People utterly destroy their lives because of illness progression that may have been preventable. Just tonight I picked up one of our "frequent flyers" who has a whole host of medical problems. They are also 400+ lbs. The simple fact is until they want to change, there is nothing that anyone can say or do to change them. Is it a sad situation? Sure it is, but they made those choices, not me. I am sorry if that seems harsh but I choose not make other people's life choices my problem. The problem really arises when you love the person. Sure you can lack sympathy for your "frequent flyer" and not do anything. But a loved one? I think not.
elphie754 wrote: » 85kurtz wrote: » elphie754 wrote: » Even if you end up calling 911 (whether it be for yourself or someone else) the person may not change. As a medic I see it all the time. People utterly destroy their lives because of illness progression that may have been preventable. Just tonight I picked up one of our "frequent flyers" who has a whole host of medical problems. They are also 400+ lbs. The simple fact is until they want to change, there is nothing that anyone can say or do to change them. Is it a sad situation? Sure it is, but they made those choices, not me. I am sorry if that seems harsh but I choose not make other people's life choices my problem. The problem really arises when you love the person. Sure you can lack sympathy for your "frequent flyer" and not do anything. But a loved one? I think not. Oh really? You think not? I recently had to "let go" of a family member who was destroying their lives due to excessive drinking with cirrhosis and uncontrolled diabetes. I spoke with them many times about how those choices would in fact one day kill them. The stress from their choices was so bad it was affecting my health. I finally had to just let them be as well as let them go. Do I hope that maybe one day I will get a call that they have chnaged? Sure, but until then, I can not worry myself over what they choose to do.
elphie754 wrote: » Oh really? You think not? I recently had to "let go" of a family member who was destroying their lives due to excessive drinking with cirrhosis and uncontrolled diabetes. I spoke with them many times about how those choices would in fact one day kill them. The stress from their choices was so bad it was affecting my health. I finally had to just let them be as well as let them go. Do I hope that maybe one day I will get a call that they have chnaged? Sure, but until then, I can not worry myself over what they choose to do.
elphie754 wrote: » APeacefulWarrior wrote: » I'm sensing the overall feeling is put up and shut up until the EMT's come to pick one of us up. (I know there are a couple people who have a better understanding of why I'm so upset - I realize that doesn't represent you) So essentially, if you witnessed your spouse or significant other downing a bottle of poison, you'd just sit back ( or join them) and say "hey, he (or she) is an adult and if they want to finish off that poison, well then, that's their right."? That doesn't seem very loving, concerned or compassionate, but maybe that's where we are as a society... accepting and then sticking your head in the sand to ignore seems to be the expectation. Not sure I can be on board with that, but I think that's what he expects of me too. Even if you end up calling 911 (whether it be for yourself or someone else) the person may not change. As a medic I see it all the time. People utterly destroy their lives because of illness progression that may have been preventable. Just tonight I picked up one of our "frequent flyers" who has a whole host of medical problems. They are also 400+ lbs. The simple fact is until they want to change, there is nothing that anyone can say or do to change them. Is it a sad situation? Sure it is, but they made those choices, not me. I am sorry if that seems harsh but I choose not make other people's life choices my problem.
85kurtz wrote: » elphie754 wrote: » Oh really? You think not? I recently had to "let go" of a family member who was destroying their lives due to excessive drinking with cirrhosis and uncontrolled diabetes. I spoke with them many times about how those choices would in fact one day kill them. The stress from their choices was so bad it was affecting my health. I finally had to just let them be as well as let them go. Do I hope that maybe one day I will get a call that they have chnaged? Sure, but until then, I can not worry myself over what they choose to do. I am sorry you had to go through that. Having a family member with addiction issues is hard. I have that issue in my family too and it is horrendous. I think though a family member is a little different to a spouse or life partner isn't it? I personally could not simply walk away from my husband but I could from my brother or uncle. I have to say that I was referring to the medic's idea of not getting involved with his patients and he using that as a correlation to a husband. The two are entirely different.
elphie754 wrote: » I said nothing about addiction. There can be a difference between excessive use of something and addiction. Just because you view a husband different from another family member that does not mean other do as well. Family is family, whether it be one of my significant others or a blood relative. Also- I am female. Medic/pt or family member/family member, the point is sti the same. Their choices are theirs to make and until they want to change, nothing you say or do will do anything (except for possibly annoy them/cause backfire).
APeacefulWarrior wrote: » Hubby and I had "the discussion" about eating more sensibly and healthier, and less junk food, etc, etc, etc, this weekend. (He has more weight to lose than I do.) Thought we were on the same page, until he came home from the grocery store this evening with four bags of Oreos, chocolate ice cream, eight pounds of pork sausage patties, and a supersize bag of generic Reese's pieces cereal. I'm not even sure we're in the same book, much less on the same page. How do you handle these situations??
SkinnyWannabeGal wrote: » APeacefulWarrior wrote: » Hubby and I had "the discussion" about eating more sensibly and healthier, and less junk food, etc, etc, etc, this weekend. (He has more weight to lose than I do.) Thought we were on the same page, until he came home from the grocery store this evening with four bags of Oreos, chocolate ice cream, eight pounds of pork sausage patties, and a supersize bag of generic Reese's pieces cereal. I'm not even sure we're in the same book, much less on the same page. How do you handle these situations?? Oh my gosh, I know the frustration! My boyfriend knows that I must eat healthy for my well-being and his doctor says that he seriously needs to lose weight because he's dangerously overweight and has many health issues. BUT! When we go to the grocery store, my cart is filled with healthy foods and his basket (he likes to shop separately) has chips, soda, candy and cookies in it. And that's it. No actual food for meals. When I cook, he refuses to eat my meals because they're "too healthy" he says. And he also gets mad at me for cooking healthy foods because he hates the smell of nearly ANYTHING with vegetables in it. He's actually banned me from cooking certain healthy soups and dishes because they contain either garlic, onions, celery, carrots, ginger or bell peppers. I still sneak and cook with those ingredients when I can. The thing that upsets me is that I do care about him and he needs to be around for our child, who's also worried about his health and weight. Also, he gets super mad that I eat healthy foods because he wants me to join him in eating way too much bad, fatty, greasy, salty, unhealthy foods and then snack on cookies, candies, chips and soda all night long while watching TV. Not gonna happen. Everything in moderation for me. And to top it off, he wants me to lose weight and be thinner, but not eat healthy foods. He also gets mad at me when I feed our child healthy foods with a lot of veggies in it or give him fresh blended green juice (our child's fave!). And I get upset when he chooses to eat ONLY unhealthy things instead of working them into his diet w/ other healthy foods. So he's mad at me, I'm mad at him and this goes nowhere. A house full of resentment. Therefore, we came to an understanding. He said that if I don't leave him alone to eat whatever bad things that he wants and let him gain as much weight as he wants, then he won't allow me to eat anything healthy anymore. He said he'll throw away my fruits and veggies and won't allow anything remotely healthy in this house anymore. So the understanding is, we just leave eachother alone to eat what we want just tp keep the peace. Bottom line is, he can't force me to be unhealthy and I can't force him to be healthy. P.S. he also doesn't like me exercising and he refuses to exercise. Same agreement there.
misskarne wrote: » SkinnyWannabeGal wrote: » APeacefulWarrior wrote: » Hubby and I had "the discussion" about eating more sensibly and healthier, and less junk food, etc, etc, etc, this weekend. (He has more weight to lose than I do.) Thought we were on the same page, until he came home from the grocery store this evening with four bags of Oreos, chocolate ice cream, eight pounds of pork sausage patties, and a supersize bag of generic Reese's pieces cereal. I'm not even sure we're in the same book, much less on the same page. How do you handle these situations?? Oh my gosh, I know the frustration! My boyfriend knows that I must eat healthy for my well-being and his doctor says that he seriously needs to lose weight because he's dangerously overweight and has many health issues. BUT! When we go to the grocery store, my cart is filled with healthy foods and his basket (he likes to shop separately) has chips, soda, candy and cookies in it. And that's it. No actual food for meals. When I cook, he refuses to eat my meals because they're "too healthy" he says. And he also gets mad at me for cooking healthy foods because he hates the smell of nearly ANYTHING with vegetables in it. He's actually banned me from cooking certain healthy soups and dishes because they contain either garlic, onions, celery, carrots, ginger or bell peppers. I still sneak and cook with those ingredients when I can. The thing that upsets me is that I do care about him and he needs to be around for our child, who's also worried about his health and weight. Also, he gets super mad that I eat healthy foods because he wants me to join him in eating way too much bad, fatty, greasy, salty, unhealthy foods and then snack on cookies, candies, chips and soda all night long while watching TV. Not gonna happen. Everything in moderation for me. And to top it off, he wants me to lose weight and be thinner, but not eat healthy foods. He also gets mad at me when I feed our child healthy foods with a lot of veggies in it or give him fresh blended green juice (our child's fave!). And I get upset when he chooses to eat ONLY unhealthy things instead of working them into his diet w/ other healthy foods. So he's mad at me, I'm mad at him and this goes nowhere. A house full of resentment. Therefore, we came to an understanding. He said that if I don't leave him alone to eat whatever bad things that he wants and let him gain as much weight as he wants, then he won't allow me to eat anything healthy anymore. He said he'll throw away my fruits and veggies and won't allow anything remotely healthy in this house anymore. So the understanding is, we just leave eachother alone to eat what we want just tp keep the peace. Bottom line is, he can't force me to be unhealthy and I can't force him to be healthy. P.S. he also doesn't like me exercising and he refuses to exercise. Same agreement there. Why on earth are you still with this guy? He sounds like a controlling nasty jerk. Do you really want your child to grow up thinking it is acceptable for a relationship to be this toxic?
charlieandcarol wrote: » I guess the thing is that when you have a condition such as Type II diabetes you may well have the right to eat whatever you want because its your body but what about when you go blind or lose your limbs or the numerous other illness that do happen, do you also then have the right to expect others (ie your wife and family) to look after you. And you may well say that they don't have to look after them but the reality is that this IS what happens. With rights comes responsibilities which is what lots of people forget when they espouse such things. So I have sympathy for the OP and totally understand her frustration. But the other posters are right, you can't make anyone change so you have to get on with your own change and leave them to it. Don't cave to the temptations he brings home, he will just use it as an excused to justify his own behaviour.
