I'm sick of binge eating

unknown

Yesterday I ate 4 full bowls of cinnamon toast crunch cereal, half a loaf of rye bread, and a bunch of cheetos. Then I raided the fridge and ate whatever I saw. I had a bowl of rice pudding and made a turkey sandwich. I was so desperate to eat something more that I started eating cold rice with ketchup. Then I also had a heavy dinner. By the end of the day I was feeling bloated and ashamed.

When I do this I feel satisfied but horrible at the same time. I feel ashamed doing it near my family members because they ask me "aren't you on a diet?, why are you eating so much?" so I do it when they're not around. Sometimes I don't care and eat like an animal in front of them. It always feels like there is a monster craving inside of me that just wants to eat everything. I know that I can fit the junk foods that I like to eat into my daily calories but that's just not good enough for me. I want to eat the whole box of cookies or eat the whole bar of chocolate . It just leaves me feeling unsatisfied. I'm just sick of calorie counting. Doing all the calculations and weighing things in front of my family. They think I'm dumb and make fun of me.

I know I can hold myself back but my mind says "but you really really want this so you should have it" and I feel like I'll go crazy if I don't have whatever it is that I want.
Usually I tell myself oh its okay its just a bump in the road i'm still going to end up losing the weight. But I'm never gonna get lower than this if I keep continuing this behavior. It just kills me that I could have been my goal weight today if I had been dieting since the start of the new year.

How do I stop these monster cravings?
EDIT: I have social anxiety and depression. First therapy session is tomorrow.

unknown

Hi @sonoona I too am a bit of a forum lurker normally but saw your post and just wanted to offer my support. I suffer with severe depression, anxiety and some rather infuriating binge/purge issues.

Like others have said, the first thing to do is to identify your personal emotional triggers. I find for me it's a combination of restricting too intensely after a binge in an unsustainable way leading to even the slightest thing happening causing a serious binge. For example, for the last few weeks I have been doing 5:2 fasting but being very strict on my non-fast days, I then had an argument with my sister at the weekend and ate an ENTIRE large pizza, garlic bread and some chicken wings. I completely understand how disgusted you end up feeling with yourself because I still feel it writing it out again, but my trick is to turn that inner voice away from beating myself up to being kind to myself. Easier said than done, I know! But if you binge the best thing you can do is look at it objectively, say, "well that wasn't ideal but it happened so let's deal instead with why it happened".

If you can feel a binge coming on, as others have said, definitely try to distract yourself with something else. Go for a walk, do some yoga or even download a mindfullness app to help you think about those triggers. Flowygame is also a really good app game for dealing with anxiety, I get straight on it as soon as I feel a panic coming on and it calms me right down as it makes you focus on your breathing. Of course these are things that help me and I acknowledge that even for myself they don't work 100% of the time, it's all about finding the things that help you. If your family's comments are upsetting you though I would just maybe quietly say to them that you're really struggling with binging and that their comments are making your feel worse than you already do. The trouble with binging cycles is the more you binge the worse you feel and then the more you binge!

I do find lurking on these forums super helpful too. In addition to dealing with my emotional triggers the posts on here are really helping to educate me about fitness and food as I try to change my mindset towards my weight. At 112lbs you really don't need to worry about weightloss, but I know that's hard to accept. I'm 5'4 and 117lbs and I'm still convinced I'm a whale even though logical me screams that I'm not. MFP is really helping me to see that logical me might just be right... Why not have a look through all the posts about healthy eating for satisfying meals to help prevent binging, and at the fitness/lifting pages? After lurking on here I'm definitely psyching myself up to start lifting, I know I'll have to eat and that I will gain weight and it scares the bejeezus out of me, but I KNOW that I will be strong, fit and healthy (and might finally crack this binging habit!) Take a look and see if maybe that's something that would appeal to you?

I hope all goes well with therapy today, they obviously will be able to give you much more advice than any of us on here can offer. It's so frightening going at first but you are absolutely taking the right steps for yourself and your mental health. Feel free to add me/message me if you want to chat more or just need a bit more support. Look after yourself.