The Big Direction

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in Motivation and Support
I was always a big guy, and it was almost always because of emotional eating. I would eat because I was depressed, then I'd fall deeper into depression as I gained more weight and would eat to cope with it. I was stuck in a cycle that I couldn't break out of.

Here's a little history:

In 2003, I moved to Vancouver WA and didn't really fit into a group during my final two years in high school. I was pretty lonely and ended up eating a lot.

In 2004 I graduated and started working in a security job. At first it was pretty cool, I learned quickly and was promoted to being in charge of the Midnight shift. I was pretty much in charge of showing any new guys around and teaching them what to do. Some guys that were in their 40-50's didn't like me being in charge. At first they were condescending to me, but when they realized it wouldn't affect me they started to become a bit more harsh. I couldn't understand why people from the main security office kept coming out to "look around" almost on a daily basis. It turns out that the older guys kept submitting complaints about me and they were investigating. The work environment got so hostile, that I ended up leaving. It turns out they had submitted over 200 complaints about me. All of which were very minor, like "Left the office air conditioner on when he left" or "He wasn't wearing his uniform neck-tie at the end of his shift". It was ridiculous.

In late 2005 I started working as a student trainee and going to school for a civil engineering degree. I was excited/scared at first. I was going to school full time and working full time. My boss started to give me more and more duties as other employees either quit or passed away. We were definitely understaffed. Stress started setting in. Sometimes I would skip class and eat at a local fast food restaurant and hide out in my truck. Over time my grades got worse and I ended up dropping from class. The boss was upset and threatened to fire me over it, and for not completing my office duties in a timely manner. I got so stressed that at one point I was hyperventilating and on the verge of tears (which has never happened before). I ended up quitting in 2010.

During all this time, I had a couple of friends, both of whom were pretty big guys, and they liked to go out and eat all the time. I blew most of my money just to be able to hang out with em. I was broke and the bills were piling up. So I ate to deal with the stress.

In 2010 my mom was diagnosed with Acute Myeloid Leukemia (cancer in the bone marrow). She fought it for almost a year. My father and I did our best to take care of her, but it was hard watching someone you love so much, slowly wasting away. She died in the summer of 2011.

In 2013, a day after my birthday, my grandpa (from my fathers side) passed away. I looked up to him so much. He was the reason I have an interest in film and why I started making videos, because he went to film school and was the director of many instructional videos for the Army. He was such a cool guy, and now he's gone.

In 2014 my grandma (also from my fathers side) passed away. It surprised everyone because she was so strong. Everyone made the joke that she would outlive us all. But then, one day she just started to sleep all the time and refused to eat and drink. She died shortly after.

In 2014 my other grandpa (from my mothers side) had a heart attack and passed away. He was so nice to me when I was little. I remember he carved a wooden fishing ship model for me. It was so detailed. Sadly I don't have it anymore.

So yeah, over all these years I've had to deal with depression, stress, anger....

It wasn't always horrible, but really, the past several years have been a blur for me. Nothing was accomplished. I didn't finish school, I don't have money or a job, I'm morbidly obese, and I'm in debt.

I attempted Nutrisystem in 2014 and saw some progress. But then I started to feel depressed and angry all the time (Family/Personal Problems). I ended up falling off the diet and gaining back all the weight I lost and little extra too.

I was angry about falling off the diet, because my father did so much to support me. He really believed I could do it. He wouldn't say it, but I know it was a huge disappointment, I could see it in his face.

I don't know what my current weight is, but I do know it's over 541 pounds because I'm the biggest I've ever been in my life. It's gotten to the point where I struggled to get out of bed. I was worried because I literally struggled to stay awake during the day, and it wasn't because of bad sleep.

But then I was granted a second chance. My dad's brother and his family offered to let me live with them for a bit. They want to help me with my weight loss. They want to offer an environment that will help me stay focused on bettering myself. I'm back on it again. I'm doing the Nutrisystem diet and going strong. As I write this I've been on the diet now for over two weeks.

I'm giving it my all to get my life back on track. I'm doing Nutrisystem, I'm starting to work out, and I do whatever work around the house that I can.

My wish is that I get physically fit, have a decent job, get out of debt, am able to go to college and get a degree in Digital Cinematography (I want to go to Full Sail University) and really live my life how I want to live it. I would love to be a source of inspiration to those that struggle with their weight. I just need to focus on myself for now.

Anyways, I have a Youtube channel called 'TheBigDirection'

It's a vlog (Video Blog) channel documenting myself as I strive to improve. It's really a way to keep honest with myself and my viewers.

I'd really appreciate any support I can get. It'd be awesome if all of you could check out my channel, leave a comment, perhaps some advice on ways to improve?

I know I can't do this alone, but with your help I know I can succeed.

Thanks!

-Ricky

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